That's because there's always that bunch of hungry little devils to wit, one's own family, which are the most voracious eaters at the table although the most inclined to make comments. By which I mean nasty comments. I know exactly what I'm talking about, believe me. I manage, though, by keeping them off-balance.

Your friends can be readily divided into three categories for purposes of inviting them over: friends from work, friends who are manifestly and probably irreversibly single, and, finally, friends who are married or otherwise spoken for. The latter group tends to make a better type of dinner guest since they know exactly what you're up against. As for the rest of them, well, that's it's a whole other story, and one best left to your better half assuming there is a better half in your life.

If we're dealing with celibates and workplace companions, then we're getting off lightly; a lot of packaged, tinned and frozen stuff will do the trick just nicely, thank you. Or calling up Telepizza, tele-this, that or the other. Then all you need is great quantities of liquid to wash it all down, beer, for example. The important thing is not to upset their habitual feeding habits. Offering them a paella with some ros� wine or a light red may lead to dangerous surges of delusional ecstasy.

Of course, it's different for me, being a professional cook and all.�My colleagues tend to demand a grater degree of gastronomic versatility when they show up for a good feed. I have this friend who says that the best thing under these circumstances is to open up a tin of meatballs and fancy them up in such a way that their own mother wouldn't recognize them, and serve with some�frozen chips with maybe a dab of fancy sauce on the side

Returning to the question of how to coddle our dinner guests, the thing to keep in mind is that the important thing is everything. This is the only way of making a favorable impression, once we have gone to the considerable trouble of inviting over a more or less numerous tribe of munching moochers to our home and castle, we have to summon up all our culinary creativity to ensure an optimum result. The way to go is start with a trip to our neighborhood market and wine merchants. For both these destinations, it is highly advisable to get a prior notion of exactly what you intend to cook before leaving home, so you will know what to brogan home form the market and what sort of wine will go with it.

There are any number of fine points that need to be borne in mind. Such as making sure there are enough glasses, cups or goblets for all of the different drinks to be served, i.e., two different types of wines calls for three goblets (an extra one for the water).

The same goes for plates and cutlery. The crockery at one's disposal should be taken into account in determining what kind of grub is to be rustled up, unless we want to see our guests mopping up their plates with bread crusts to prepare for the next serving. If you don't have all that much silverware on hand you might want to offer different appetizers from a tray and then serve the main course separately.

The most crucial thing of all is not to make it look like you're improvising. Ply them with lots and lots of small dishes� with no big main course. You don't want them to be thinking so if you're so short on time or just can't be bothered, why the hell did you� invite me over in the first place?

A most important thing to remember is to offer them some sort of aperitif before the main meal is served. Phrasing this invitation as an open-ended question may well lead to serious problems, unless of course, you happen to maintain a fully stocked bar on the premises, covering an exceedingly�wide range of flavors, colors�and alcoholic content. You would do better to opt for prudence and offer them a cocktail specially mixed for the occasion rather�than be caught short and unable to supply what your guests' requests.

Now it's time to set the table, so watch your step here. Flowers are okay, but not on the table, if you please, Fruit is okay, but on a fruit dish or oversize plate that can be removed just as soon as everyone gets down to serious eating. Another good idea is to have lighted candles set in the places where the main courses will later appear.

The plainer the better should be your rule of thumb. Avoid florid excess, adornment and riots of pastel colors. Discretion, after all, is the better part of elegance. So go for it!